


AU Klok (can't thinks of a titles)

by zsomeone



Category: Metalocalypse
Genre: Beastailty, Crack, Gen, Necrophilia
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2010-10-28
Updated: 2010-10-28
Packaged: 2018-03-16 21:25:17
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,154
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3503270
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/zsomeone/pseuds/zsomeone
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>AU, they all have very different lives.  Charles and Toki are only mentioned, because they work at the hospital and the rest of the guys don’t hang out there.  Murderface is the city coroner, Knubbler is the funeral director.  Skwisgaar is the poor single father whose mom just died, Pickles is his buddy.  Nathan transports bodies.  <br/>Warnings: Bestiality (referred to only) and necrophilia (which you’re going to get).  Kind of gory necrophilia, at that.</p>
            </blockquote>





	AU Klok (can't thinks of a titles)

 

Will was waiting for a delivery from the hospital, he’d been told there was a new body on it’s way in. He was hoping for a hot chick, but work was work either way.  
It was cold in the morgue, but he was used to it. He’d just finished his last case and put him back in the drawer, and had nothing to do while he waited. The dispatcher hadn’t said who was making the delivery, but he hoped it would be Nathan. Nathan was cool, not like that other guy they used.

The buzzer sounded, and Will hit the door button. Good, it was Nathan! And a woman, older but still kind of hot. “Juscht put her in number 16 for now, I don’t know what the family wantsch done yet.”  
“Uh, okay.” Nathan pulled out the specified drawer and slid her into it.  
“What’sch the schtory on thisch one?” Will always enjoyed hearing how his clients had died, it made the job interesting. And Nathan had a friend who was a nurse... it depended on whose patient she had been. “Isch sche another one of Dr. Wartooth’sch?” That poor guy had the _worst_ luck.

Nathan went to drawer 3 and grabbed a beer, they hung out here a lot. “Yeah, but Charlie said she was a goner before she ever got there.”  
As much as he thought that Charlie was a pussy for being a nurse, even a surgical nurse, the man got to look inside living people and that was something to be envied. “What happened to thisch one?”  
“Internal injuries? Uh, he wouldn’t tell me how. He did say that the Doc’s losing it though, people dying on him all the time like this. Brutal.”

They drank more beer, there was nothing Will could do until the director spoke with the family, and Nathan was off the clock now. Will rubbed his skull, he’d recently shaved his head and was still getting used to it.  
“So how’s the new look working for you?” Nathan kept his long hair tied back, not wanting to bother with haircuts.  
“No better, nobody wantsch to schleep with the coroner. Can you hook me up again?”  
“I’ve tried. The smell here, you know, gets in your pores or something, they always say you smell like death.”

****

The director looked up as the door bell tinkled, this was probably a relative of their newest deceased. He held out his hand. “Richard Knubbler, Director.”  
The man shook his hand briefly. “Skwisgaar Skwigelf. Dey brings mine mother in earliers?” He held up a bag. “I brings de stuff dey tells me to.”  
“Good. Why don’t we sit down and discuss the arrangements?” The director ushered Skwisgaar into a small cozy room. “Would you like a drink?”  
That seemed to surprise him. “Um, ja. Vodkas?” 

The director brought his drink, and a catalog. “We need to pick a coffin, do you have anything in particular in mind? And how about a viewing?”  
“Cheaps. Maybe whites? I can’ts afford much. And no viewings, jus de funerals.” He rubbed his face in a distressed manner. “I still can’ts figure out how to tells de kids dat Grandma fucks a horse and dies.” He drank his drink in one swallow.  
Richard barely managed to hide his shock. “Perhaps it would be best not to put it like that?”  
“She moves in to helps wit de kids, but she ams always runnings around wit men. Pfft, at least I don’t gots to deal wit her bullshits no more.”

“Okay, let me show you our cheapest coffins!” Bereavement was his specialty, not... whatever this was. He just wanted to get this over with now. Opening a door, there was the display room. “The ones on this wall are the most affordable.”  
Skwisgaar pointed to the cheapest white one on display. “Dat one. Anyting else? I gots to gets home, de damn babysitter ams expensive.” He held out the bag. “De dress, de makesup, and a photos, like you tells me.”  
“This will do. Good luck breaking the news to your children, Mr. Skwigelf.”  
“She was a sluts anyways, you ams probablies going to has to tie her legs togethers.” He waved and headed out the door.

****

Will was still waiting, he just might have a hot date tonight. Richard came down with a bag. “Hey Willy, it’s going to be a traditional burial. Here’s her stuff.”  
“Thanksch, Dick. Wasch the family schad?”   
“I only met her son, and I’m not sure he liked her very much. Oh, you’ll like this: He said she died fucking a horse. I don’t think he was joking, but he’s some kind of foreign so it was hard to tell.”  
“Wow, sche’sch a schpecial lady alright. We doing a veiwing?”  
“Nope, he doesn’t want one. But get her ready tomorrow anyway, sometimes they change their minds.”

It was late, so Richard headed home. He was aware of Will’s activities with the deceased, but he didn’t really care. They were dead, and the poor guy’s dating record was abysmal, he might as well get a little where he could. And it wasn’t like the paying customers would ever know the difference.  
It was probably time to send another gift basket to Dr. Wartooth, this lady was the fourth this week. He never signed the gifts, but it was his little way of thanking the poor doctor for all the business he provided. Dr. Wartooth had been investigated a while back, it had been on the news, but his procedures were flawless. Nobody could figure out why so many of his patients died.

****

All alone now, Will opened drawer 16 and pulled out his lovely lady. The name on the death certificate was Serveta Skwigelf, a pretty name. On closer inspection, she was even older than he’s realized, but that was okay. He could tell that she must have been stunning in her youth.   
He placed her on the autopsy table and climbed up to join her. Her flesh was cool, but not yet stiffening. He kneaded one large breast, enjoying the weight and feel of it. Her abdomen was a mess of sloppy stitches, nobody ever did a pretty job on the dead ones. Otherwise, she was beautifully intact,, unlike some.  
“Oh my schweet Schuffretta...”

Lube was unnecessary with the freshly deceased, so Will simply shoved his way inside her. The cool embrace of her dead flesh made him moan with delight, but as he began to thrust, disappointment sat in.  
She was very loose, even for a dead woman. Well, Dick _had_ she’d died from fucking a horse, that was probably the reason. Will placed his hand right above her pubic bone and pressed down. Any fluids forced from the body would simply be washed down the table’s drain, no problem there. Ahhh, that was much better! He began to thrust again, putting more weight on that hand. It wasn’t like _she_ was going to complain about it! He pressed harder.

Stitches popped and his hand sank into her visceral cavity. No big deal, he would have cut her open for the autopsy anyway. (She didn’t actually _need_ one, but he enjoyed preforming them.)  
Groping the jumble of viscera, Will found the part that his dick was thrusting into and wrapped his hand around it. He’d never tried this particular trick before, but it was _awesome_! He thought it was almost like fucking a live woman, but it had been so long since he’d had one of those that he was unsure.  
Despite his best efforts, he didn’t last very long.

Will climbed off the body and grabbed the sprayer, she’d made a bit of a mess.  
After rinsing the body and the table top clean, he put her back in her drawer. He’d fix her up and dress her in the morning. He never slept with them more than once, as tempting as the thought sometimes was.  
There was nothing left to do here, so he locked up and headed home. He’d have a few more beers, watch some TV, the usual. Maybe even call up Nate and let him know how it went? Nah, he was probably busy. He dated a lot.

****

Skwisgaar sat in his kitchen, he’d _finally_ gotten all the kids to bed. He’d told them that Grandma was dead, and they had been sad. (He didn’t mention the part about the horse.) He brushed the ends of his hair behind his ears absently, he needed another haircut already.  
As much as he’d hated his mother, he’d needed her help with the kids.  
He was out of beer. Skwisgaar checked the clock, Pickles had said he’d be there at ten. He wasn’t late, not yet anyway.   
They worked the same shift at the plant, and had gotten to be friends. It was hard to remember that the man had a real name, everyone just called him Pickles. Short and with his Friar Tuck fringe of red hair, he was quite a character.

At 10:15. Pickles showed up carrying a 12 pack. “Pickle! Goods to sees you!”  
“Sahrry I’m late, there was a wreck. Couldn’t tell if anybody died or naught though.” He realized what he’d just said. “Oooh, bad time ta tawlk ‘bout dyin’?”  
“Noes, I don’ts care. You knows how I feels abouts her, Pickle.”  
“Yep.” They drank. “So when’s tha fun’ral?”  
“De day after tomorrows.   
They had a few more beers, but then it was getting late and they both had to work in the morning.

****

Skwisgaar hated funerals. It had taken him longer then he’d expected to get the kids dressed and combed, so they barely made it one time.  
They were sitting in the front row, the part reserved for family. Pickles sat with them, he wasn’t family but he was a good friend. Held one of the kids in his lap.  
None of their other coworkers were there because Skwisgaar hadn’t told them. The room was filled with various men though, most of which he’d never seen before. His mother’s lovers, so many of them. It made him sick.

The priest stepped up to the podium. “Dearly beloved, we are g-g-gathered here today to mourn the p-p-p-passing of Serveta Skwigelf.”  
Skwisgaar sighed as the man droned on, talking about what a wonderful mother and grandmother she was (yeah right) and how everyone would miss her (the gathered men, maybe).  
But it wasn’t over. “Who wants to s-s-say a few w-w-ords? K-k-k-come on up here!”  
This was too much, Skwisgaar stood up. “No!” He turned to Pickles. “Takes de kids outside, I don’t wants dem hearing dis.”  
Pickles nodded, and herded them out.

Skwisgaar walked to the podium. “Mine mother was a huge sluts, and dat ams de only reason you ams here! I don’ts want to hears yous stories!”  
“K-k-k-calm down, baby! Father Rockstein’s got this under c-control!”  
“YOU AMS NOT LISTENINGS! It ams _over_ now, ends it!”  
Father Rockstein held up his hands. “You got it!” He faced the crowd again. “You heard him folks, l-l-lets get this lady b-b-uried! Who wants to K-k-k-carry her?”  
A hoarde of men scrambled to the front, and Skwisgaar turned and walked away.  
Outside, he gathered up his kids. “Comes on, we ams goings home.”

****

And so life went on. Skwisgaar picked up some extra shifts, but the cost of a babysitter meant he was barely making any extra money at all so he went back to his regular workload. He was lucky enough to get a promotion and a raise that came with it, so he was in a better position to take care of his kids and not have to worry about every penny.  
Pickles still came over once or twice a week to hang out. He hadn’t gotten a raise, but he was a single guy with nobody to take care of but himself, so he was good.

Life carried on as ususal for Will and Richard, people would always die so they would always have business.  
Will still fucked any attractive female that was brought in, and finally accepted that no living woman would ever have anything to do with him.  
The other driver got fired, and Nathan now transported all the bodies himself. He liked his job, he got to see all kinds of really brutal injuries and stuff. And Charlie could often tell him how the people got that way, which made it even cooler.

Dr. Wartooth ended up taking a several month vacation. Charlie told Nathan that the doctor had cracked in surgery one day. He’d started screaming about how he killed everyone, and had been taken from the room. Another doctor had come in and completed the procedure in his place.  
Once he was back to work, the death rates (which had dropped) resumed their previous levels.  
They all continued on with their lives as well as they could.  
Everything had returned to normal.


End file.
